


If/Then

by ishandahalf



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: 5 Things, 5 Times, 5+1 Things, Character Study, Decisions, Difficult Decisions, Established Relationship, M/M, Pre-Canon, Pre-Relationship, Spreadsheets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:42:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26822353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ishandahalf/pseuds/ishandahalf
Summary: Patrick likes to try and quantify things, to wrangle numbers into submission to help him make big decisions in a logical, rational way. (It doesn’t always work out.)OR5 moments in his life where Patrick made a spreadsheet to help him decide, and 1 time he didn’t.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Patrick Brewer/Rachel
Comments: 61
Kudos: 126





	If/Then

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve always liked the fanon idea of Spreadsheet!Patrick, I definitely think he seems the type to be a list-maker and try to support his decisions with logic and numbers. In my mind, this was an extension (albeit perhaps an unhealthy one) of that - particularly when combined with his tendency to be a people-pleaser.

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**1\. Workbooks.Open Filename:=“Ask_Rachel.xls”**

**_IF((SUM(criteria_scaled1:15)) <((SUM(criteria_scaled_max1:15)*0.8)),"Don't ask her out","Ask her out")_ **

_“...The conditional statement is a hypothesis followed by a conclusion. The hypothesis is the first, or “if,” part of a conditional statement. The conclusion is the second, or “then,” part, which is the result of the hypothesis. So, you begin the formula by defining your criterion here, then you set your conditions on it and define the resulting conclusions here...”_

Patrick was only half-listening to Mr. Stein drone about the latest Excel formula they were learning in his Financial Accounting Fundamentals class. He stared ahead at his computer screen and randomly clicked his mouse a few times to make it seem like he was following along with the instructions, but his focus was diverted by Matt and Chris whispering on either side of him.

“Dude, it’s so obvious. Rachel’s totally into you. You should ask her out.”

“Yeah, if you take any longer then she’s gonna think you’re not interested.”

He didn’t want her to think that. After all, he _was_ interested. Rachel was interesting. And nice, and pretty. Everybody said so. Some of his friends had started dating (whatever that term really meant in Grade 11) some of her friends, and they had started getting thrown together a lot. Patrick didn’t mind. He liked her, he really did.

But for some reason the idea of asking her out made him hesitate.

_“...And you can nest the IF statements together, like so, to include multiple criteria in your conclusion. So, for circumstances where there is more than one variable to consider, you can include them all in your calculation…”_

“If you ask her out, then we can go on double-dates.”

“And if things last a while then she could come to the semi-formal with you, and we can all get a better price on sharing a limo.”

Patrick couldn’t help but startle slightly, looking over at Chris with wide eyes. “Woah, those are some pretty big ifs there. I haven’t even asked her anything yet. And semi-formal is months away!”

_“...And of course, these calculations are based on numeric values. If there are more subjective criteria that inform the hypothesis, those would have to be quantified somehow - for example, converting a criterion into a 1-5 scale, so the resulting values could then be captured for calculation in the IF formula…”_

“We all know you’re gonna ask her, dude. What are you waiting for? Gotta finish one of your pro/con lists?”

“I don’t need a pro/con list for this,” Patrick muttered, trying to play it off with a scoff while simultaneously wondering how he had become so predictable. Just because he had made a few lists to help him make some big decisions (joining the baseball team over rugby last year had been a tough call, and his list really _had_ helped with the process)... And yes, maybe he _did_ have the beginnings of a “Should I ask Rachel out?” list scribbled in the back of his trig notebook, but nobody needed to know that. (For some reason it didn’t seem like the thing somebody should need a list for.)

“Damn right he doesn’t. There’s only pros. Rachel’s cool, but Matt’s right - if you move any slower then she’s gonna lose interest. I heard Ben was thinking of asking her to a movie.”

“Ben can ask her if he wants to,” Patrick pointed out, shifting in his seat uncomfortably and trying to ignore the spark of competitiveness those words prompted.

_“Brewer? ...Brewer?”_

Patrick jolted back to attention, snapping his eyes up to Mr. Stein. “Sorry sir,” he apologized, willing a wince not to show on his face as he realized he had no clue what the teacher had asked him. “I was just distracted with this calculation. Could you please repeat the question?”

“You were distracted because you were talking. All three of you, please be quiet. And Mr. Brewer, when the bell rings you can spend your lunch period here, focusing on that calculation that seems to be giving you so much trouble. Understood?”

“Yes sir. Sorry.”

The last few minutes of class passed with Matt and Chris sitting in silence, before the lunch bell rang and they hopped to their feet. “We’ll save you a seat in the caf!” they promised, before rushing out.

“You can leave as soon as you finish today’s practice exercise,” Mr. Stein said, rising from his desk. “I have a lunch meeting to go to - I assume I can trust you to stay here and finish up?”

Patrick nodded and watched his teacher leave the room. There was really nothing stopping him from taking off too, but he didn’t. He’d garnered a trustworthy reputation with the teachers and he wasn’t about to screw that up.

With a frustrated sigh, a bit upset that he had been chastised (not something he was used to), he turned to look at the instructions written on the board. He really hadn’t been paying attention at all, which wasn’t like him - especially in this class, one he usually enjoyed. It was all that talk about Rachel that really threw him for a loop, and then the jibes about his pro/con lists didn’t help...

That just got him thinking about his scribbled list, half-finished, tucked away in the back of his locker. Chris was right - if Rachel was expecting him to make a move then he really shouldn't keep her waiting.

Glancing back up at the board, the steps for the IF statement formula gave him an idea.

The actual assignment was forgotten. He instead began recreating his pro/con list into a spreadsheet, even adding new criteria and converting the subjective items to a quantitative scale like Mr. Stein’s notes mentioned. (If he was applying the lessons from class then that still counted as a practice exercise, he figured.)

He didn’t really have a point of reference for how to calculate the final formula, so he randomly decided on a cut-off of the 80th percentile. Patrick liked the number 80. An 80 meant an A grade, 80 was the number his favourite baseball player wore, and if the sum of all his subjective criteria for whether or not to ask Rachel out came to an 80 or higher, he figured that was a good, solid, logical way to calibrate his decision.

He never made it down to the cafeteria to join Matt and Chris that lunch hour.

Later that evening, Patrick called Rachel up and asked her to the movies that weekend.

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**2\. Workbooks.Open Filename:=“Uni_rankings.xls”**

**_IF((school_score_weighted*P_ranking) <=(school_score_weighted*R_ranking),"My school choice","Rach's school choice")_ **

Patrick’s school rankings spreadsheet wasn’t a secret. In fact, he was pretty proud of it. Over 100 variables - from tuition fees to the percentage of students working in their field post-graduation, all based on research from school websites, the annual Maclean’s University Rankings issue, and even publicly available Statistics Canada data - contributed to his formula. His parents had even made a few suggestions of things he hadn’t thought of, like the number of varsity teams (his father) and the travel time it would take to come back home for visits (his mother).

What _was_ a secret was the one hidden column buried towards the end of the sheet.

Rachel’s personal rankings of the schools they’d both applied to were on the list, of course. “If we can make this decision together, then it will just make the next few years so much easier for us,” she pointed out. She thought it was so considerate of him to have included her.

Patrick didn’t tell her that he’d programmed the final formula to use the inverse of her actual rankings.

The formula didn’t originally start out that way. At the beginning he’d used Rachel’s true ratings, and every time, no matter how he tweaked the weightings of his other variables or how many new criteria he added onto his list, the name the spreadsheet spit out as the best school choice was always her preferred one.

It made sense. It _was_ a great school, not too far away from home, had strong national rankings and a solid business program… It would be a good choice. If he took their acceptance offer then he’d be on a steady, safe route towards a business degree - and Rachel would be there beside him. “If we go to the same university then we don’t have to struggle with the whole long-distance thing,” she said with a smile. “We can just keep going like we are now. Nothing has to change!”

Patrick rationalized away his nervousness at the fact that picking a university was a huge upheaval in anybody’s life. This would be where he spent the next four years of his life.

But then - maybe out of some morbid sense of curiosity? - he altered the formula and flipped Rachel’s rankings. The answers all changed. And so did the strange feeling in the pit of his stomach.

A different feeling emerged the longer he considered that revised list. It was guilt, he recognized - guilt that he hadn't yet told her that he was maybe, possibly contemplating going to a different school than the one they'd discussed together. He knew he had to tell her, they were starting to make vague plans and it wouldn't be fair to her to have this sprung on her. He just didn’t know how to do it.

He thought about using the spreadsheet. “This school makes the most sense for me,” he could say, pointing to his numbers. They were all there, in black and white, indisputable and logical. Except for the inverted ranking column - he hid that one, telling himself it would only hurt Rachel’s feelings. He thought some space between them would be a good thing, but he didn’t think she would see it that way. “At least they’re only 550 kilometers away,” he could add, pointing at another cell on the spreadsheet. It wasn't the furthest distance between two schools on their list, but it certainly wasn’t the closest either. (For him, it would be just far enough.)

But it didn’t come to that.

While still working up the nerve to have the discussion, a letter came in the mail from Rachel’s top school. _Congratulations, Mr. Patrick Brewer - we are pleased to award you with a School of Business Entrance Scholarship. If you choose to accept our offer of admission, then we will provide you with the following financial support…_

His parents were over the moon. So was Rachel.

He rejigged the formulas again, tweaking the financial aid and student loan variables. But now, even with the inverted ranking column included, no matter how much he reasonably tweaked all the other variables and weights, the same school name popped out each time.

They never ended up having that conversation. Instead, Patrick and Rachel filled out their offer acceptance letters and dropped them in the mailbox together.

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**3\. Workbooks.Open Filename:=“PB_budget.xls”**

**_IF((SUM(criteria_weighted1:35)) <((SUM(criteria_weighted_max1:35)*0.9)),"Don't propose","Propose")_ **

Rachel hadn’t been the one to originally put the thought of engagement into his head, and for that Patrick was grateful. He didn’t know what his reaction would have been if she’d said anything directly. As it was, he was pretty sure he’d looked like a deer in the headlights when, at their last family get together, her mother had made an offhand comment about marriage being the “next logical step” in their relationship.

It _was_ the next step, wasn’t it? Or at least, it probably would be with any other couple. Going by their previous patterns of breaks and breakups, he was pretty sure the trend predicted a split in the next few months.

But maybe this could break that pattern. Maybe it was the thing they needed to stop the endless loop of on-again, off-again they seemed to always find themselves in. If he proposed then that could strengthen those ties between them that kept them coming back to each other… and maybe help hide some of those things that inevitably resurfaced and drove them apart again too.

They were both adults now, a few years out of school, with steady jobs, and recently moved in together… It _was_ the next logical step.

Then why did he feel so nervous about it?

A sense of dread permeated Patrick whenever he tried to open up his budgeting spreadsheet. He’d created a password-protected hidden tab intending to start planning on how to put money away for an engagement ring, but it still sat blank. He knew he was dragging his feet with it.

It should have been simple. He knew the old rule of thumb about spending two months’ salary on a ring; it should have just been a matter of creating a new budget line, taking a percentage of his discretionary spending and squirreling that away, and within a few months’ time he would be all set.

Instead he decided it would be prudent to research alternative budgeting options. Just out of curiosity. Just to be thorough.

Then before he knew it (though he didn’t try very hard to avoid it), Patrick got sucked into an internet black hole of wedding planning sites and forums. Apparently the two-month-salary rule was now archaic and frowned upon. He found other budgeting theories - some based on average costs for engagement rings, others based on average diamond sizes and ring characteristics. By the time his brain had reached its capacity with new knowledge on stone cut, clarity, cartels and blood diamonds, he looked at his spreadsheet and saw a long list of variables and the beginnings of a new formula.

“Joe and Nicki got engaged!” Rachel announced one evening as they sat down to dinner and proceeded to regale him with all the romantic details. “If they can figure everything out quick enough, then they can have a spring wedding! Wouldn’t that be gorgeous?”

It may have been paranoia, or guilt, or some other neuroses, but Patrick read between the lines and substituted ‘they’ for ‘we’. He added a few more variables to the spreadsheet later that night, after Rachel fell asleep. Their friends were getting married now, it was probably time for them too.

“Miles proposed to Andi,” he hesitantly announced a week later, reading over a Facebook post from his university housemate, complete with beaming engagement photos. Rachel smiled and said how happy she was for them, but Patrick thought he could see a little strain in that smile and he knew he was dragging things out. Again.

“Your cousin Mikey just proposed to Sarah,” his mother announced to him a week later, just as excited as she had been when she’d heard about every other engaged cousin earlier that summer (were proposals contagious?). “If anybody else is thinking of proposing soon then they better get moving, otherwise every venue within a hundred kilometers is going to be all booked up by Brewers!”

He finished his spreadsheet that night, with his hidden tab having moved far beyond calculating just another budget line item.

The next day on his lunch break, Patrick dropped into a jeweler down the street from his office.

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**4\. Workbooks.Open Filename:=“RA_invest.xls”**

**_IF((SUM(criteria_weighted1:20)) <((SUM(criteria_weighted_max1:20)*0.60)),"Invest in the store","Don't invest in the store")_ **

Patrick left Alexis and David bickering in Rose Apothecary after having moved around seemingly every box in the store (some multiple times, after David would correct Alexis’ initial request). He felt surprisingly rejuvenated though; maybe the physical labour had been good for him.

As soon as he settled back into his desk at Ray’s, he turned on his laptop and began a new spreadsheet. He had felt hesitant to caution David about spending all that money on inventory up front (though technically, wasn’t that his job as a business consultant?), but David’s confident response had surprised him. Impressed him, even.

It was all very impressive.

But still, the more he thought about it, the more he worried about David possibly overextending himself. So he spent the rest of the afternoon crunching numbers, and frowned at the results. The start-up capital calculations weren’t looking as good as he would have liked.

“Patrick! Turn that frown upside down!” came a sudden voice, and Patrick practically jumped out of his seat. Ray had popped his head from around the corner, grinning at him. “What are you concentrating on so intently? I called your name a few times. I’ve just made some dinner, would you like to join me?”

Blinking, he looked at the clock. Their workday had been over 45 minutes ago and he hadn’t even noticed.

“Sorry Ray, just got invested in this I guess,” he said, standing up and stretching. “I’m starving, actually. I think I forgot to eat today.”

He managed to escape from the dinner table in under an hour, which, based on his experience with Ray so far, was a minor miracle. He begged off on joining the other man to watch a movie (or a “Roomie-bonding session!” as Ray had put it), and instead took his laptop up to his room for some quiet.

As he stared at the screen, Patrick’s own words from earlier echoed back at him. He had gotten really invested in working on David’s case. It had been a long time since his work had captured his attention like that. It was easily the most interesting file that had crossed his desk in his few weeks at Ray’s, and hands down the best business idea. The store was inventive, and filled a need, and was just… unique. Like David himself.

What if… what if he _actually_ invested in Rose Apothecary?

He was pulling together yet another spreadsheet before he knew it, trying to calculate return on investment and make profit projections and generate risk matrices. Based on the amount of savings he had to personally contribute, the numbers… still weren’t great.

Patrick frowned, and stared at his calculations. Maybe there was a better formula to use.

He spent the next hour reading up on ROIs, finding what he was looking for on entrepreneurial blogs discussing unconventional measurements of calculating cost versus benefit in terms of things like societal gains and social returns. Those sites on social returns in turn gave him another idea, and from there came a few hours of research on possible grant opportunities for small businesses.

Before Patrick knew it, it was 1 a.m. - but the formulae, despite being slightly blurry on the screen, were looking better to him. It was maybe more of a risk than he normally would have been comfortable with, but if he could put some work in and get those grants then it could all make sense.

The next day, back at the store, he made his proposal to David. He had to admit, the other man accepted quicker than he would have thought - though not without some obvious trepidation. But with the numbers on his side, Patrick felt surprisingly confident.

“Um, and you do know that if the grant money doesn't come through, then I won’t-”

“Oh, I’m gonna get the money.”

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**5\. Workbooks.Open Filename:=“DR_ask.xls”**

**_IF((SUM(criteria_weighted1:11)) <((SUM(criteria_weighted_max1:11)*0.5)),"Ask him out","Don't ask him out")_ **

Patrick was enjoying being the numbers guy. It was satisfying to see inventory counts decrease and sales rise, and see the tallies at the end of each week. It was quantifiable, measurable proof that David’s vision, and Patrick’s investment, and their partnership, was working.

What he wasn’t enjoying was his doubt in moving that partnership forward. Turns out the question of whether or not to ask out your business partner really wasn’t a factor typically covered in most risk-benefit analyses.

He wasn’t proud of it, but he had tried to recreate one of his old spreadsheets from high school - the one he had used to talk himself into first asking Rachel out. That one hadn’t turned out ideally, but at least it had been able to spur him into action. He was hoping that now, over a decade later and full of new realizations about himself, that even if a new list couldn’t help him find that courage then at the very least it could work as a way to organize all the thoughts rampaging around through his head.

But in the meantime, the rest of his spreadsheets were doing their best to keep the store ( _their_ store!) running smoothly.

“-So if we look at this column, we can sort and filter by whatever criteria we want - product name, category, date, stuff like that - and start to track any sales patterns. I’m hoping I can fine-tune this enough to eventually start predicting some trends,” Patrick explained, dragging his cursor around the laptop’s screen while he talked, guiding David’s attention to the proper cells.

From his spot standing beside Patrick, David’s eyebrows shot up. “Excuse me, trends? Are you… _trend forecasting_?”

“Um, in a sense, I guess?”

“I thought that was _my_ job.”

Patrick smiled, and raised his hands in a gesture of surrender. “I’m not saying I’m trying to be a taste-maker here-” “Thank God!” “-But this is all quantifiable stuff. Like, if we know certain flavours of lip balm sell better at certain times of the year then we know when to stock up and increase our orders, or if we know that some scents of body milk aren’t moving well then we maybe reduce our range.”

“And you have all these fancy little formulas to tell us those things?” David asked, in a slightly suspicious tone.

“Sort of. I have to program them into the spreadsheet, and sometimes it requires fine-tuning the parameters a little to make them more accurate and actually be predictive.”

“If this is all dependent on you setting the parameters, then isn't it basically just putting down what you already know? Like, you have to input all this hocus pocus behind the scenes to make these formulas work. Which means you kind of already know the answer,” David mused, not seeming overly impressed with the system.

“I mean, in a way,” Patrick shrugged, seeing his point somewhat. “But sometimes it’s nice to have it all laid out like this for you, you know? To help you see exactly what’s going into your decision, and what factors might be more important to consider than others.”

“Speaking as somebody who has historically made most of his decisions at the extremes of either overthinking or not thinking them through at all, this sounds way too logical for me,” David muttered, before turning away from the screen to face Patrick. “So then, where on this sheet is the row for your gut?”

“Er… what?”

“Like, a gut feeling. Sometimes something just _seems_ correct, you know? And you don’t know why you want to make a decision, you just do.” As he continued to speak, David’s hands began gesticulating more enthusiastically, emphasizing his words. “Because you _want_ to. There isn’t always some sort of logical reason behind it.” And then he blinked, as if surprised at the words that came out of his mouth.

Patrick began to wonder if they were still talking about trend forecasting. “That seems sort of hard to quantify, David.”

“I’m sooooo sorry, Mr. Business Major,” he drew out sarcastically, but the one upturned corner of his mouth tempered any harshness in his words. “If you make a decision without a spreadsheet to back it up then will your world shatter into a million pieces? Haven’t you ever made a choice based on instinct, and not because some formula calculated something for you?”

Patrick instinctively felt himself get his back up, but tried to tamp it down. He took a steadying breath before slowly admitting, “Probably not as much as I should have, to be honest. I’m sort of wondering how some of those decisions might have turned out otherwise...” He noticed an uncomfortable look start to come across David’s face, so he quickly tried to revert to their comfort zone of easy teasing before this conversation went too deep. “Maybe I should make a spreadsheet to compare.”

That did the trick. David rolled his eyes and bit his lip, trying to physically contain a smile. (Patrick wished he’d just let it out.) “Mmm, okay. I look forward to the results of that then.”

Patrick grinned at him and didn’t bother to hide it. Waiting until David moved away from the counter and over to the sales floor, he quickly flipped to another window on his laptop. Entering in the password for his “Do I ask him out?” spreadsheet, he scrolled down his list of criteria. Inserting another row at the end, he quickly typed in “Because I want to” and then immediately noted a numerical value beside it.

He watched the tally cell recalculate with the addition of a new variable, and smiled.

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**\+ 1. Workbooks.Open Filename:=“DR_prop.xls”**

**_No available formula found._ **

“Wha… Are you sure?”

“Easiest decision of my life.”

A few minutes later - or maybe more than that? Time had always been hard to keep track of when he was with David, but now, wrapped up in his arms with this overwhelming happiness bursting within his chest, it was a completely irrelevant concept - they pulled apart slightly. Not enough to break their embrace, but just far enough to be able to see the incandescent grins on each other’s faces.

They kept laughing until David managed to pull some words together. “So, I have to ask - how long did your spreadsheet take this time?” he teased.

Patrick grinned and shook his head. “Oh, I didn’t need one.”

David scoffed fondly. “I’m not sure I believe you.”

“Okay, okay,” Patrick admitted, still laughing. “I _may_ have made one for old time’s sake, but I really didn’t _need_ it. I guess I just… I just wanted to see whether this piece of advice I got from this really great guy I know had stuck with me.”

“Hmm, a ‘really great guy’? Do I know this guy?”

“Oh, he’s… well, I guess you could _technically_ call him an ex-boyfriend.” His teasing words prompted the exact wide-eyed reaction Patrick had been hoping for.

“Ex-boyfriend!?” David repeated, sounding slightly hysterical. “Um, gimme a second, I need to wrap my head around the fact that this is the first time that I’ve been called an ex and, uh, enjoyed it? Wow, that is something to process…” But he couldn’t help but narrow his eyes, tentatively asking, “I'm assuming you _are_ talking about me, right?”

“Yes, David, of course.”

“Ah, great. Good. Uh huh.” His nodding was so enthusiastic that his entire being started to wiggle. “So then, yeah, tell me about this great ex of yours.”

“He told me once that not every decision had to be calculated and rationalized, that a decision could be made just because I wanted it,” he explained softly, thinking back to that afternoon in their store, and David smiled back just as softly. It had seemed inconsequential at the time, just another of the endless bantering conversations they’d had. “It seems so obvious now, but at the time I think it was just what I needed to hear.”

He hadn’t asked, but Patrick pulled out his phone anyway, pressing the screen a few times before passing it over to David. “I wasn’t lying when I said this was the easiest decision ever.”

There _had_ been a spreadsheet made - if you could even call it that. It had only one cell of data - the shortest he had ever made. He’d made it weeks ago, saved it, and hadn’t opened it again since. Titled “Should I ask David to marry me?”, there were no hidden columns or calculations or weightings. There weren’t any criteria or values listed at all. There was only one brief sentence at the very top of the sheet.

_Yes, because I want to._

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**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know if it’s a sign I am way too anal about these things, but I actually did start to play around with some facsimiles of the spreadsheets Patrick would have used for all of the above decisions so I could make sure all the structures and formulae worked… For reference: =IF(condition, value_if_true, value_if_false)
> 
> Also - I am of the firm belief that “Oh, I’m gonna get the money” is the sexiest damn line ever uttered on any sitcom, ever, in the history of the world. I still swoon with every rewatch of that scene, so what was I going to do - not include it here? I am not that strong.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this! IF so THEN I'd love to hear your comments. (See what I did there? 👀)


End file.
